Shoes! Women’s weakness. I see, men’s too! We all get drawn towards other shoes, don’t we? We feel tempted to buy the shoes that others wear.
And in life, we all come with our own situations, circumstances, challenges, mountain tops, mostly valleys and what not. And we all walk in our own shoes, often wanting to be in others shoes, assuming that they have better shoes and better paths in life. When asked “How are you doing?”, most of the times, don’t we all just lie with a smile. Regardless of how we really are doing, we reply with the best smile “I am doing good. How about you?”. Outwardly when we see others, we think others cruise in their lives while we paddle hard and we want to be in their shoes rather than ours, as ours seem painful and blistery.
Would you want to be in my shoes? Disregard my smile as I talk. Disregard the almost perfect pictures that I post in social media. If you get to know my walks of life, the valleys that I am mostly on, and rarely a mountain top, would anyone want to be in my shoes? ?
I guess that is the case with most peoples’ walk, we just don’t see from the outside. All we see is perfect smiles and “I am good. Thank you”.
No matter how painful the valleys are and how many blisters we get in these shoes that we are in, I am thankful to God and God alone, for never forsaking me in any of the valleys, for drawing me closer to Him in each valley and never letting go of my hand. I have learnt that valleys are places where no one in this world can accompany us, except God. And He is more than enough. His Grace is sufficient.
Yet there is one place where I can remove my shoes and I can break my heart and pour out my tears – on my knees in Prayer. When I pour my heart out, God is so faithful that He answers. I have felt incredibly awed by ways that He lets me know that He sees me. He lets me know that He sees my tears – my EL ROI- the God who sees me. The One who saw Hagar’s tears in the desert – He sees my tears too. The One who saw Hannah’s tears at the altar – He sees my tears too. And I am amazed by how He sends me a message that He sees and my tears are not wasted.
One Sunday, when I was going through too much, I went a little early to church, just so I could pray. I sat at an end seat as usual and I just cried as I prayed. Tears rolling down my eyes, as I opened my eyes, a miracle happened. An elderly white lady was coming up the stairs just then. I am amazed by the timing. She saw me and my tears. In this country, where people are more interested in giving “space” , this lady looked at me and my tears. She, to my surprise, came over and sat down near me on the stairs next to me. And she asked how I was doing. I said my problem in 3 sentences. She gave me a tight hug and started praying, still hugging me tight as she prayed. My cries started to quiet down and I felt God’s peace. To me, it is God’s way of letting me know that He sent me comfort. I serve a God who is just too good, too sweeter than honey. So, taste and see that the LORD is good.
Psalm 56:8 You number my wanderings; Put my tears into Your bottle; Are they not in Your book?
Psalm 139:13 For You formed my inward parts; You covered me in my mother’s womb.
14. I will praise You, for I am fearfully and wonderfully made; Marvelous are Your works, and that my soul knows very well.
15. My frame was not hidden from You, when I was made in secret, and skillfully wrought in the lowest parts of the earth.
16. Your eyes saw my substance, being yet unformed. And in Your book they all were written, the days fashioned for me, when as yet there were none of them.
Psalm 23:4. Though I walk through the valley of shadow of death, I will fear no evil; For You are with me; Your rod and Your staff, they comfort me.
Psalm 34:1 I will bless the LORD at all times; His praise shall continually be in my mouth.
I am thankful for the shoes God has put me in.
Psalm 18:33 He makes my feet like the feet of the deer, and sets me on my high places.
Cookie is our puppy who came into our family as a birthday gift for my son. Cookie was a miraculous provision by God. We did know that a puppy came with a lot of responsibilities. However, the responsibility of taking care of a puppy seemed easier when compared to the suffocation I felt during the Pandemic quarantine. Cookie is a very furry breed and whenever he comes back from grooming, once in a couple of months, he comes back with all the fur shaved off. It was very hard to see him with no fur and I could also sense that he felt stressed with the visit to the groomer and the loss of fur each time. I consequently kept postponing his next visit to the groomer. His grooming needs were hence, past overdue, and although we tried to keep up with brushing his fur and trimming it at home, we eventually found out that in addition to a few lighter matted spots, he had 2 huge bunches of matted hair behind his ears. I quickly read up on how to get rid of these without having to take him to the groomer. I spent a few hours, using the detangling spray and comb and scissors and was able to remove about 60% of the matted hair on both sides. As I got closer to the skin, it seemed extremely difficult and Cookie started to get very restless and I realized that I had no choice but to take him to the groomer again. However, through this, I learnt a valuable spiritual lesson, if I may put it that way. As I started working on removing the matted hair, I felt how difficultly tangled the hair was. And I realized, is this not how Sin is? It starts off with one small sin, like a small tangle, a small knot, which pulls in a bit more and then a bit more and in no time, before we realize, it becomes a big bunch of matted mess. We cannot untangle ourselves from this mess. Unless someone is kind enough to painstakingly spend time to go through the patient process of detangling which is painful for both parties, there is no escape from it. No magical redemption from it. Sin has such a downward spiral effect. In the garden of Eden where everything was perfect and God saw that everything was good, sin entered through disobedience. Because sin enters in a subtle way and then does not stay subtle, it’s next stop from disobedience, was murder of Cain’s brother Abel. From disobedience to murder was a steep drop as in a rollercoaster ride. And today, here we are living in a completely evil world, wicked at its core. Galatians 5:19 Now the works of the flesh are evident, which are: adultery, fornication, uncleanness, lewdness, idolatry, sorcery, hatred, contentions, jealousies, outbursts of wrath, selfish ambitions, dissensions, heresies, envy, murders, drunkenness, revelries, and the like; those who practice such things will not inherit the kingdom of God. Romans 5:23 For the wages of sin is death, but the gift of God is eternal life in Christ Jesus our Lord. Amen! 1 John 1:8,9 If we say that we have no sin, we deceive ourselves, and the truth is not in us. If we confess our sins, He is faithful and just to forgive us our sins and to cleanse us from all unrighteousness.
May we confess, may we repent, and may we pray to our Christ Jesus to cleanse us from all unrighteousness! Amen.
Cookie – after getting all the matted hair removed.
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Jesus shows grace to the woman who was caught in the very act of adultery. The scribes and pharisees were more interested in testing and trapping Jesus, at the cost of this woman. Yes, the woman did commit sin, for which the judgement according to the Law of Moses was stoning to death. Jesus, however, showed grace to the woman. Jesus brought conviction to those wanting to stone her in judgement. At least one stone could have been thrown at her by the only one who was without sin – Jesus. But Jesus did not punish her. Jesus showed her grace instead. Grace accomplishes what punishment cannot.
My mother and I are witnesses of such amazing grace. My mother went to be with the Lord on February 2nd, 2021. She was diagnosed with terminal illness. On December 23rd, she was admitted in the hospital. The doctor had given her only 3 days to live. I was not informed of how critical her condition really was, but was asked to visit her immediately. Even though I am the only child to my parents, I did not have a good relationship with my parents. Our family had a history of broken mother-daughter relationships. God gave me the verse Joshua 1:9 three times.”Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.” I started my travel arrangements. With much hesitation and fear, I asked , “Lord, what do I do? what do I do? “. Just then, the worship leader started singing a song that I remembered as a song sung at funerals. I was so taken aback and instantly asked, “Lord, what are you saying?”. Right away I decided to go to see my mother. I reached home on Jan 15th.In those 2 weeks, God had prepared me for the task of leading my mother’s soul to Jesus. I went to see my mother at her home. I was shocked to see that she had become extremely thin and beyond recognition. She held my hand and said, “I am going to Jesus“. I was speechless. That same night, she was admitted in the hospital.
A friend had reminded me that my first duty was to lead her to Jesus and so I went to the hospital the next morning, held her hands and prayed a prayer of repentance with her. I asked her to get everything right with God, forgive anyone whom she had not forgiven, let go of worldly concerns, etc. I did all this without really knowing that she had only days left to live. Everyday I prayed holding her hands. Each day, I read many Psalms from the Bible to her. As I read, our hearts just rejoiced. Then God gave me the wisdom to ask her to repeat as I read and she would do that. One day as I said, “shall we read Psalms 91?”, without waiting, she quoted the entire Psalm 91. I recorded this moment and that is the last memory I have of her.
I started spending more time at the hospital, reading God’s Word to her and playing some good Christian messages for her. Doctors were suggesting to discharge her and take her home as they didn’t have any further treatment options to offer. But even with all this, my mind still could not understand that she had only few days left to live. I prayed for a miracle and I believed that she still had time left. I simply could not understand that she had only days left.
On Sunday, as there was no one else to help, God gave me the grace to clean my mother and change her soiled clothes, all by myself. The nurse was so surprised to hear that I cleaned and changed her clothes single handedly. I had never taken care of any adult until then. But as I cleaned my mother, I truly felt that that made Jesus happy. It felt like I had done just what He had desired of me.
As doctor continuously suggested to discharge her, I agreed to take out mother to our home on Jan 27th. The Psalm that I read for her that day was Psalm 116. As I came to verse 15, I had a hard time reading out loud”Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of His saints.” My mother repeated it along with me. I felt so sad that I had picked this chapter to read without seeing this verse. That morning, a friend posted a song and I instantly learnt the second stanza which talked about God being both my father and mother. I was singing that song repeatedly in my mother’s room that morning. She told me to “buy a Bible with big letters. Read it for your dad just like you did for me”. That was the last thing she instructed me to do.
I started the discharge procedure. At around 10:30 am, she suddenly made gasping sounds. When we asked , she said she had trouble breathing. The doctor asked her what was happening and she replied, “I am going to Jesus”. When a nurse said “don’t be scared” , she replied,”I am not scared”. She was so calm and peaceful as she answered. Then she just repeated, “Jesus, Jesus”. She was admitted in the ICU with oxygen support. As I waited in front of the ICU, I broke down and cried several times, as I remembered this song that I kept singing about God being my father and mother. I believe God was comforting me through this song, even before my mother’s passing.
From there, things only went downhill. She moved from an oxygen tube to a ventilator. Doctor told me to inform the relatives. I had not told my dad about how serious mother’s illness was. Her siblings and many other relatives came to the hospital to see her. On Friday the 29th, when I called her, she opened her eyes and looked at me. I rubbed her arms and said, “mother, I am here”. But her arm hurt as I rubbed, so I just rubbed her shoulder. That was the last time she responded to me.
Since the, the doctor said that she was 100% on the ventilator and that there was no hope left. On Saturday, as I spoke to the doctor, I broke down and said that I could not decide whether to remove my mother from the ventilator or not. I continuously prayed asking God to keep me from making this decision. However, it seemed like this was the only prayer that God wouldn’t answer. I suddenly remembered being mentioned that God won’t take the believing loved ones unless we surrender them to Him wholeheartedly. A friend helped to pray that even after we remove her from ventilator, as it is God who gives us breath, He would give her the breath if it is His will. After this prayer, I had peace about that decision.
On February 1 morning, I went to talk to the doctor. As I waited outside, I prayed for God to help me make the right decision. As I started speaking to the doctor, I felt so much peace and I told him that I am ready to let her go. The doctor said that he will first start weaning my mother off of the medicines she was on, and then will gradually remove her from the ventilator. My mother was off the ventilator that night. But against all odds, she continued to breathe. Even the doctor was surprised.
On February 2nd, by evening, my mother’s oxygen levels dropped down. I still did not understand. I was at the hospital till 7pm. After that, I went home. I called my dad at 8:10. When he asked how she was, I answered, “she will go to heaven whenever her time comes”. I came to know that my mother went to be with the Lord at 8:14 pm. She went to be with the Lord, just when I was saying the above words to my dad. I reached the hospital after 45 minutes. As I saw her face, she had this glorious smile. For one who was on tubes for days, she had a very happy smile. The smile was the evidence that she went to heaven just as she said. February 2nd also happens to be the death anniversary of her mother. She did not have a good relationship with her mother, but what are the odds that both my mother and my grandmother share the same death anniversary date.
My mother and I are witnesses of this amazing grace of Jesus. An entire life time of broken relationship was restored by Jesus in two weeks. Now all I can remember about my mother is this perfect mother-daughter relationship in Christ. He showed grace to my mother in so many ways. My mother always prayed that she would leave without suffering much from sickness. God truly honored that prayer. Though she was diagnosed with terminal cancer that had spread to multiple organs, she did not suffer a bit of pain from cancer. She did not have to leave this world with a broken relationship with me, but left happy and peacefully, giving me the privilege of having taken care of her in every way I possible could, even if it was only for two weeks. Though her life was nothing but broken pieces, she always held on to God. She did not know to let go of some baggage. God taught me about that and sent me to her to help her let go of those burdens she was carrying, preparing her for heaven. God saved me from having to live with a lifelong regret due to our broken relationship. Instead, He restored our relationship. Everyone who I have spoken to in these weeks, have experienced the grace and reconciliation of Jesus. I will continue to proclaim of this amazing grace of Jesus, for His glory. Amen!
