For more than 4 weeks, I had been trodding the hospital corridors in these shoes along with Indian outfits and thus screaming, “She doesn’t belong to planet India”.I went to India with the verse – Isaiah 43:2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, Nor shall the flame scorch you.
Little did I know that I was going to be walking through the fire – in these shoes.
Same way, when I came last year for my mom’s last days, God sent me with the Word Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”
Thanking God for speaking through His Word and then keeping it without fail. Even before I left to India, the verse Psalm 125:1 came to me twice
Psalm 125:1 Those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion, which cannot be moved, but abides forever. This was the verse in my mom’s gravestone. And by March 22(the day my dad went to be with the Lord), I got this verse 5 times. And yes, it is the same verse that was put in dad’s gravestone too. This has been quite a journey for me. And God has been faithful to His Word and He is bringing me out of this fire stronger than ever. He did not allow me to be scorched or burnt but refined me as gold to serve His Kingdom purpose.
I learnt several lessons in this journey. Standing in the gap for the souls matters preciously in God’s eyes. As it is, without having to do anything, hell fills up quickly in multitudes; Heaven, on the other hand, one soul at a time, is it not? Because the standards of heaven is too high. God got me to pray for my dad for this entire past year. Little did I know the urgency of time back then. I wouldn’t let go of my dad without making sure that he is headed to heaven. As he was in coma, I did everything possible from my side, as guided by God on what to pray, what Word to read to him, what to say in his ears to get our relationship restored from bitterness and regrets etc. I am not even exaggerating when I say that I literally was knocking on heaven’s doors for my dad. God has been so faithful. I truly believe that because God had grace for both my parents, He prepared me beforehand to lead them through those doors.
Another lesson I learnt is the joy of finding the lost coin, the lost sheep and the lost son. As I have read these parables for years and I never understood what that joy felt like. I never could put myself in their shoes of “lost and found”. But in the end of this journey, I very well understood that joy. Because, during the first 10 days I was in India, I got just 2 hours of sleep. I would fall asleep at 9 out of exhaustion only to wake up at 11, every night. After that, it was just tossing and turning and praying for my dad, as I didn’t know if he got everything right with God and he was in coma, so I had no way of knowing. And I wouldn’t let him go without making sure and helping him in every way from my side. I truly felt what the birthing pain would be like, for the sake of a soul. I had asked God for an evidence to know if my dad made it to heaven. And God gave him a peace-filled face on the entire day of the funeral and filled my heart with peace that comes only from Him. That night also I couldn’t sleep, not because of desperation, but because of overflowing peace.
Third lesson that I learnt is for us to point people to the saving and redeeming grace of Jesus. The Son of God made the biggest sacrifice of all – laid down His life on the cursed cross for the sake of redeeming us. If we truly say that we care about the people in our life, we should point them to Jesus and thus to heaven. The mystery of life is that we don’t have a way of knowing how much of our life is left. And this life is what decides about where we will spend eternity. As we see lives ending in front of our eyes in an instant, let us wisen up and make use of the time in hand and live a life pleasing to God so that there be no regrets when we take our last breaths.
My Appa went to be with the LORD on March 22. The last 4 weeks had been quite a journey with him. It had been a year since Amma went to be with the LORD on Feb 2. Appa had gone to her grave for prayer and broke down and cried. A year without her had changed him a lot. On that morning, as usual, I woke up early to pray for Appa and then slept in the same spot. Right before the alarm went off at 7, I saw a dream and it disturbed me. I saw my amma and Appa in our home with no furnitures. Appa was coming down the stairs with a backpack and Amma asked him how his hand was. He did not reply but he skated across the room. Worried, I held his hand and said, “Appa, you need to sit down” and I saw a wheel chair. That was the dream. I kind of sensed that something was going to happen to him.
The next day he got admitted in the hospital as he felt dizzy while sitting on the bed, slid and fell on the bed. In a couple days, the doctor said that Appa had a fracture in the hip and doing a surgery would relieve him from the pain. I gave the consent for the surgery right away as I wanted to spare Appa from any pain. The surgery got scheduled for Feb 11 which is my birthday. I talked to Appa that morning, told him that it was my birthday and he blessed me. That was the last conversation I had with Appa.
After the surgery, Appa responded fine for couple hours. Then he coughed and aspirated. A clot had moved to a bad spot in the brain which caused him eventually to lose his response. I planned my travel to India. In my waiting, I had only one prayer, “Lord, please spare me from any regret. Appa should respond to me when I call him”.
By the time I reached the hospital on Feb 20, he was already in the ventilator and not responding. I felt shocked and disappointed because I had prayed only one prayer and it was not answered. The first day went by with absolutely zero response. On the second day, his eye was open for a couple minutes but he did not recognize me. As I called him with desperation which turned into cries, miraculously his hand which was paralyzed with no movement – lifted up. It was a significant rise. On the third day, I headed to the hospital, with the plan to tell the doctor to remove the ventilator. God had different plans for His ways are not for us to understand. That morning, Appa responded big time. For around 45 minutes, he had his eyes open, eye balls moving to the sound. He recognized me, had tears in his eyes. Every time I called him, he looked at me. Standing there, I felt overflowing with joy and gratitude towards God – not because He gave me any hope of his recovery, but just because God answered my prayer – not when I expected, but in His time.
Following day was back to no response. Now I had to decide about the ventilator as we were way past the allotted time. But I felt lack of peace as if there is something still undone. All my good friends had told me to pray loudly for him to hear, read the Word loudly and to talk. I wasn’t doing any of that because I was very hesitant to do all this in front of people.
Thanks be to God who comes through with answers. That early morning, sentences came into my ear to tell Appa that I love him, I forgive him and I don’t have any anger at all and to ask him for forgiveness and many such sentences. I instantly understood that it is the Lord speaking to me. That day I had determined in my heart to speak all of this in Appa’s ear, read the Word and to kneel down there and pray. It wasn’t easy especially to kneel down in front of all the people. But, nothing was bigger to me than what God put in my heart. As I knelt down, I said, “Lord, I kneel down and go low here so that Your name be lifted up in this place”. After I did all this, I felt like the missing piece was done and I felt so much peace.
In the next couple days, we decided to remove him off ventilator. It seemed that he won’t survive once ventilator is removed. But, against all odds, he started breathing. Not for one day or two, but he continued to breath for 23 days. Except, there was no response from him. I had been reading the Word everyday in his ear, talked in his ear about how much I loved him which I didn’t realize till then, asked him to forgive me and I talked so many things as the Lord put in my heart.
The next weeks were very difficult for me. He was breathing and all organs were functioning against all odds, but without response, none of it mattered enough. But God’s timing is perfect which our little brain doesn’t comprehend. By breathing, Appa brought through some mighty breakthroughs in my life. I had never taken a stand for Appa in my life. But when he was in coma, I took a mighty stand for him when he was in coma that I will not leave him behind but will stay back and take care of him.
Even before this journey started, God had given me various verses. One was “the yoke will be removed from your shoulder“. Along with my prayer friends, I had only one prayer. “Lord, please take him to heaven in Your time and please do not let him to suffer”. There were days like Elijah sending his servant to look for a rain cloud and got nothing.
On March 22, Appa had a cardiac arrest and he left peacefully, as witnessed by the ICU staff. God answered my every single prayer. All I wanted for Appa was to go to heaven and not suffer here. I had asked God for an evidence that he made it to heaven. God granted that evidence as a peace-filled face on the entire day of the funeral. God truly had been the author and finisher of Appa’s faith.
Appa was saved merely by grace. The Lord who showed mercy on the prodigal son, the tax collector and the theif on the cross – showed mercy on Appa. Lot of times, it is us, the legalists, who write off people from receiving grace from the Saviour who died on the cross for them and us alike.
If the One who died on the cross is willing to show mercy to whom He wants to show mercy, who are we to stand in the way?
Mathew 12:20 A bruised reed He will not break, and a smoldering wick He will not snuff out.
Remembering my mom as today is her first anniversary of being with the Lord. I can only be grateful to God for relieving her from her miserable life. I am amazed by how she held on to God. I am just amazed by how she hung in there as the only person for a lifetime because even I wasn’t there for her. I am so thankful to God for giving me two weeks with her which balanced out the previous decades which were bitter and shallow.
God’s faithfulness gives me so much hope. One day, I will finish my race in Christ too. I am sure of that because my race is dependent not on me, but the author and finisher of my faith that is Jesus.
Jesus said, “Let your light so shine before men, that they may see your good works and glorify your Father in heaven.” Mathew 5:16
My mom’s light probably did not shine so bright, but God in His amazing grace did not let her little light be snuffed out.
God honored all her prayers. She had prayed all her life that she should not suffer from sickness. Within months of being diagnosed of cancer spread in multiple organs, she was taken away from it. She did not suffer a bit of pain due to such dreadful disease. How faithful God is!
The first and the last words she told me is “I am going to Jesus”.
The last thing she asked me to do is to read the Word for my dad everyday, just as I did for her. She asked me to buy a Bible with big letters for him to read.
She has passed on the baton to me now. Amazing how within a year, my dad’s redemption has become my goal. I have complete faith in the redeeming grace of Jesus.
I praise this God who taught me to forgive and to love the unloveable. Now I will be still and wait for His time of redemption.
My mom’s life looked bleak, downcast, lonely, looked down upon. That was her entire life of 73 years. Even I wasn’t a support for her. Her only refuge was God. She was drowning in the water her entire life and the only life-jacket she had was JESUS. And JESUS never failed her. NEVER! He helped her to finish the race in Him. He made me the witness to see His faithfulness upon her till the end of her life. He gave me the privilege to reconcile with her, serve her and lead her towards heaven in the last stretch. Now all I can remember is the two good weeks God gave me with her. Isn’t it amazing how God can remove the bitterness without a trace? He removed a lifetime of regret from me.
THIS bruised reed, HE did not break. THIS smoldering wick HE did not snuff out.
On Sunday we had Christmas Carols from our church family at our home! As I had attended the carols in other houses during the previous days, one question that was asked to everyone in those houses was, “What does Christmas mean to you?”. Most of the friends compared their childhood Christmas and then how the perspective changes from fun towards the spiritual meaning. I don’t have any issues with the spiritual side of it as by God’s grace, I am growing in Him. But what I could not remember was even one good Christmas memory from my childhood. We moved to a place as we bought a house where we did not know anyone at all. I was very active in church and participated in Sunday class, choir etc. That was the only good thing I remembered. All I could remember fondly about Christmas was these 18 years in America after I got married.
I attended Saturday service in church and God gave me an amazing surprise as Pastor Ross who was the previous senior Pastor in our church came as guest preacher. As I am burdened for my dad’s salvation these days, seeing Pastor Ross was an instant reminder of salvation because he was a drug addict who wanted to kill himself in front of the Christmas tree on Christmas Eve to taunt his parents for their lifetime. But God spoke to him and he gave his life to Jesus and became a mighty man of God. So to me, seeing him that day was like an instant assurance of salvation. After that I went caroling and woke up at 5 am as usual to pray. I thank God for the valleys in my life that finally I have a disciplined prayer life. I wanted to make a ginger pepper coffee to help my throat from carol singing. So I went to the kitchen and instantly I was reminded by God of my childhood Christmas days which were actually bitter. Lot of times when I have a bothering question which I ask, the answer comes from Him as first thing the next morning. I broke into tears as I remembered the many Christmas’ I had at my parents house. Like a pattern, my dad would have a fight at our home every single Christmas. As we didn’t have anyone whom we knew in that place, no one really knew how we lived inside the four walls. But amazingly I had completely forgotten those bitter years after having peaceful years in this country. I felt, with all honesty, I should share about my bitter years so that people can see that what we see is not always what it is. We all know how the devil works fears in our mind. Though it started off with so much enthusiasm about sharing this, soon my mind started building up fear. My concern was when everyone shared happy memories, how can I share a broken story. I felt extremely stressed and resulted in a terrible neck pain as I could feel the stress on my neck. I just prayed that Lord if it is Your will for me to talk about this, help me. Also please give me a sign.
I went to church and soon by God’s grace my neck pain went away. Minutes before the Indian service started, we decided to do “Silent night” with parts and I am one of the Alto people. I have not sang in parts since my tenth grade. God gave me the forgotten desire of my heart to sing alto. Psalm 37:4 Delight yourself in the LORD and He will give you the desires of your heart.
In church, worship was led by the youth. One of the songs sung was “In the bleak mid winter” and instantly to me that was the sign because that is a song I had sung on Christmas Eve with two friends when I was young. After decades, I heard that song yesterday. For us to sing that song, it was a sign to me and I instantly felt enthusiastic about sharing my broken Christmas story.
I had to cook lots of food for the Carolers. As I kept thinking about what to share, I started feeling very stressed again. I kept asking, “Lord, should I really say? I am scared. ” There were moments where I thought of skipping it. But somehow I didn’t want to be in a spot of disobedience and regret.
I could not completely focus on cooking as I was stressed about this sharing. I can go on and on about God’s goodness in my life, but to share a broken story where everyone portrays a perfect Christmas was a very difficult task.
Then the time came for me to share. I started off sharing about how I had no good childhood Christmas memories and how God reminded of how broken our Christmas’ used to be. I shared about how we always had a fight between my parents every Christmas without fail and we just adjusted having some food while everyone would make special food on Christmas. And I shared about how God blessed us with peaceful Christmas days since I got married – a new Season of peace in my life. I shared about how my mother in law went to be with the LORD in January 2020 so unexpectedly. She had lived a life of legacy and how I felt this word again and again “Well done , good and faithful servant”. From then on I started praying for my entire family so that we all will make it to heaven. Just in a year, my mother went to be with the LORD. I shared about how she held my hand and said that she is going to Jesus. And how her last words before she had breathing issues and went into the ventilator, ” I am going to Jesus”. About these two women, “they went to be with the LORD” was not just a statement. It was a very clear fact. I shared that my prayers are for both our dads who are not walking quite right with the LORD, though they both know the LORD too.
Now that is another broken story because it is not easy to share to the world a picture like that. People will rather go to hell than let the world that I am not heaven-ready yet. I shared about how my father in law is from a Hindu family and that he left his house because of the Christian faith and yet, as the path to heaven is narrow and hard, became like seeds sown in rocky area. I declared with boldness that I can’t yet share about my dad but as I serve this faithful God, I can say for sure that Jesus will redeem my dad and I will share a testimony one day.
Now came the words that helped me to land the plane. I had not thought of any of these words so it was truly the Holy Spirit Lord’s doing. I shared about how death is real and hell is real and heaven is real and the path to heaven is not easy. I shared about how we tend to make our living in this world comfortable when we don’t know if we will live tomorrow. I shared about how we have the chance to accept Jesus as our savior only as long as we live. Once the breath stops, there is no more chance left. I shared boldly about how there will be no regret in choosing Jesus as one’s Savior. I never had the courage to share the gospel but had this intense desire in my heart to have the boldness to speak the gospel. And yesterday was the day, I was enabled by God Almighty to share the gospel to Christians and non-Christians.
I thank Almighty God for making the day a milestone in my life. He sent Pastor Ross exactly this week so I would feel the assurance of salvation for my left behind parents. God sent a white friend who has a special heart for Indians to help us learn Christmas songs with parts and He granted me the forgotten desire to sing alto. God answered my one line prayer and sent a sign through a song and gave me the boldness to speak the gospel to both believers and non-believers. Last but not the least, the food which I could not focus on while cooking, tasted so good that we ran out it in no time. When I got so many compliments for the food, I felt it was the hand of Jesus which turned the food tasty in peoples’ mouth.
Why do I share my broken stories? Because my broken stories has a redemption side which glorifies Jesus. Also, when I bring my prayers loudly, I know that God reveals His faithfulness, just as He was faithful to answer Hannah’s silent prayers.
Revelation 12:11 And tthey overcame him(the devil) by the blood of the Lamb and by the word of their testimony, uand they did not love their lives to the death.
Jesus shows grace to the woman who was caught in the very act of adultery. The scribes and pharisees were more interested in testing and trapping Jesus, at the cost of this woman. Yes, the woman did commit sin, for which the judgement according to the Law of Moses was stoning to death. Jesus, however, showed grace to the woman. Jesus brought conviction to those wanting to stone her in judgement. At least one stone could have been thrown at her by the only one who was without sin – Jesus. But Jesus did not punish her. Jesus showed her grace instead. Grace accomplishes what punishment cannot.
My mother and I are witnesses of such amazing grace. My mother went to be with the Lord on February 2nd, 2021. She was diagnosed with terminal illness. On December 23rd, she was admitted in the hospital. The doctor had given her only 3 days to live. I was not informed of how critical her condition really was, but was asked to visit her immediately. Even though I am the only child to my parents, I did not have a good relationship with my parents. Our family had a history of broken mother-daughter relationships. God gave me the verse Joshua 1:9 three times.”Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the LORD your God is with you wherever you go.” I started my travel arrangements. With much hesitation and fear, I asked , “Lord, what do I do? what do I do? “. Just then, the worship leader started singing a song that I remembered as a song sung at funerals. I was so taken aback and instantly asked, “Lord, what are you saying?”. Right away I decided to go to see my mother. I reached home on Jan 15th.In those 2 weeks, God had prepared me for the task of leading my mother’s soul to Jesus. I went to see my mother at her home. I was shocked to see that she had become extremely thin and beyond recognition. She held my hand and said, “I am going to Jesus“. I was speechless. That same night, she was admitted in the hospital.
A friend had reminded me that my first duty was to lead her to Jesus and so I went to the hospital the next morning, held her hands and prayed a prayer of repentance with her. I asked her to get everything right with God, forgive anyone whom she had not forgiven, let go of worldly concerns, etc. I did all this without really knowing that she had only days left to live. Everyday I prayed holding her hands. Each day, I read many Psalms from the Bible to her. As I read, our hearts just rejoiced. Then God gave me the wisdom to ask her to repeat as I read and she would do that. One day as I said, “shall we read Psalms 91?”, without waiting, she quoted the entire Psalm 91. I recorded this moment and that is the last memory I have of her.
I started spending more time at the hospital, reading God’s Word to her and playing some good Christian messages for her. Doctors were suggesting to discharge her and take her home as they didn’t have any further treatment options to offer. But even with all this, my mind still could not understand that she had only few days left to live. I prayed for a miracle and I believed that she still had time left. I simply could not understand that she had only days left.
On Sunday, as there was no one else to help, God gave me the grace to clean my mother and change her soiled clothes, all by myself. The nurse was so surprised to hear that I cleaned and changed her clothes single handedly. I had never taken care of any adult until then. But as I cleaned my mother, I truly felt that that made Jesus happy. It felt like I had done just what He had desired of me.
As doctor continuously suggested to discharge her, I agreed to take out mother to our home on Jan 27th. The Psalm that I read for her that day was Psalm 116. As I came to verse 15, I had a hard time reading out loud”Precious in the sight of the LORD is the death of His saints.” My mother repeated it along with me. I felt so sad that I had picked this chapter to read without seeing this verse. That morning, a friend posted a song and I instantly learnt the second stanza which talked about God being both my father and mother. I was singing that song repeatedly in my mother’s room that morning. She told me to “buy a Bible with big letters. Read it for your dad just like you did for me”. That was the last thing she instructed me to do.
I started the discharge procedure. At around 10:30 am, she suddenly made gasping sounds. When we asked , she said she had trouble breathing. The doctor asked her what was happening and she replied, “I am going to Jesus”. When a nurse said “don’t be scared” , she replied,”I am not scared”. She was so calm and peaceful as she answered. Then she just repeated, “Jesus, Jesus”. She was admitted in the ICU with oxygen support. As I waited in front of the ICU, I broke down and cried several times, as I remembered this song that I kept singing about God being my father and mother. I believe God was comforting me through this song, even before my mother’s passing.
From there, things only went downhill. She moved from an oxygen tube to a ventilator. Doctor told me to inform the relatives. I had not told my dad about how serious mother’s illness was. Her siblings and many other relatives came to the hospital to see her. On Friday the 29th, when I called her, she opened her eyes and looked at me. I rubbed her arms and said, “mother, I am here”. But her arm hurt as I rubbed, so I just rubbed her shoulder. That was the last time she responded to me.
Since the, the doctor said that she was 100% on the ventilator and that there was no hope left. On Saturday, as I spoke to the doctor, I broke down and said that I could not decide whether to remove my mother from the ventilator or not. I continuously prayed asking God to keep me from making this decision. However, it seemed like this was the only prayer that God wouldn’t answer. I suddenly remembered being mentioned that God won’t take the believing loved ones unless we surrender them to Him wholeheartedly. A friend helped to pray that even after we remove her from ventilator, as it is God who gives us breath, He would give her the breath if it is His will. After this prayer, I had peace about that decision.
On February 1 morning, I went to talk to the doctor. As I waited outside, I prayed for God to help me make the right decision. As I started speaking to the doctor, I felt so much peace and I told him that I am ready to let her go. The doctor said that he will first start weaning my mother off of the medicines she was on, and then will gradually remove her from the ventilator. My mother was off the ventilator that night. But against all odds, she continued to breathe. Even the doctor was surprised.
On February 2nd, by evening, my mother’s oxygen levels dropped down. I still did not understand. I was at the hospital till 7pm. After that, I went home. I called my dad at 8:10. When he asked how she was, I answered, “she will go to heaven whenever her time comes”. I came to know that my mother went to be with the Lord at 8:14 pm. She went to be with the Lord, just when I was saying the above words to my dad. I reached the hospital after 45 minutes. As I saw her face, she had this glorious smile. For one who was on tubes for days, she had a very happy smile. The smile was the evidence that she went to heaven just as she said. February 2nd also happens to be the death anniversary of her mother. She did not have a good relationship with her mother, but what are the odds that both my mother and my grandmother share the same death anniversary date.
My mother and I are witnesses of this amazing grace of Jesus. An entire life time of broken relationship was restored by Jesus in two weeks. Now all I can remember about my mother is this perfect mother-daughter relationship in Christ. He showed grace to my mother in so many ways. My mother always prayed that she would leave without suffering much from sickness. God truly honored that prayer. Though she was diagnosed with terminal cancer that had spread to multiple organs, she did not suffer a bit of pain from cancer. She did not have to leave this world with a broken relationship with me, but left happy and peacefully, giving me the privilege of having taken care of her in every way I possible could, even if it was only for two weeks. Though her life was nothing but broken pieces, she always held on to God. She did not know to let go of some baggage. God taught me about that and sent me to her to help her let go of those burdens she was carrying, preparing her for heaven. God saved me from having to live with a lifelong regret due to our broken relationship. Instead, He restored our relationship. Everyone who I have spoken to in these weeks, have experienced the grace and reconciliation of Jesus. I will continue to proclaim of this amazing grace of Jesus, for His glory. Amen!
