March 2022 -

In these shoes

For more than 4 weeks, I had been trodding the hospital corridors in these shoes along with Indian outfits and thus screaming, “She doesn’t belong to planet India”.I went to India with the verse – Isaiah 43:2 When you pass through the waters, I will be with you; And through the rivers, they shall not overflow you. When you walk through the fire, you shall not be burned, Nor shall the flame scorch you.

Little did I know that I was going to be walking through the fire – in these shoes.

Same way, when I came last year for my mom’s last days, God sent me with the Word Joshua 1:9 Have I not commanded you? Be strong and of good courage; do not be afraid, nor be dismayed, for the Lord your God is with you wherever you go.”

Thanking God for speaking through His Word and then keeping it without fail. Even before I left to India, the verse Psalm 125:1 came to me twice

Psalm 125:1 Those who trust in the Lord are like Mount Zion, which cannot be moved, but abides forever. This was the verse in my mom’s gravestone. And by March 22(the day my dad went to be with the Lord), I got this verse 5 times. And yes, it is the same verse that was put in dad’s gravestone too. This has been quite a journey for me. And God has been faithful to His Word and He is bringing me out of this fire stronger than ever. He did not allow me to be scorched or burnt but refined me as gold to serve His Kingdom purpose.

I learnt several lessons in this journey. Standing in the gap for the souls matters preciously in God’s eyes. As it is, without having to do anything, hell fills up quickly in multitudes; Heaven, on the other hand, one soul at a time, is it not? Because the standards of heaven is too high. God got me to pray for my dad for this entire past year. Little did I know the urgency of time back then. I wouldn’t let go of my dad without making sure that he is headed to heaven. As he was in coma, I did everything possible from my side, as guided by God on what to pray, what Word to read to him, what to say in his ears to get our relationship restored from bitterness and regrets etc. I am not even exaggerating when I say that I literally was knocking on heaven’s doors for my dad. God has been so faithful. I truly believe that because God had grace for both my parents, He prepared me beforehand to lead them through those doors.

Another lesson I learnt is the joy of finding the lost coin, the lost sheep and the lost son. As I have read these parables for years and I never understood what that joy felt like. I never could put myself in their shoes of “lost and found”. But in the end of this journey, I very well understood that joy. Because, during the first 10 days I was in India, I got just 2 hours of sleep. I would fall asleep at 9 out of exhaustion only to wake up at 11, every night. After that, it was just tossing and turning and praying for my dad, as I didn’t know if he got everything right with God and he was in coma, so I had no way of knowing. And I wouldn’t let him go without making sure and helping him in every way from my side. I truly felt what the birthing pain would be like, for the sake of a soul. I had asked God for an evidence to know if my dad made it to heaven. And God gave him a peace-filled face on the entire day of the funeral and filled my heart with peace that comes only from Him. That night also I couldn’t sleep, not because of desperation, but because of overflowing peace.

Third lesson that I learnt is for us to point people to the saving and redeeming grace of Jesus. The Son of God made the biggest sacrifice of all – laid down His life on the cursed cross for the sake of redeeming us. If we truly say that we care about the people in our life, we should point them to Jesus and thus to heaven. The mystery of life is that we don’t have a way of knowing how much of our life is left. And this life is what decides about where we will spend eternity. As we see lives ending in front of our eyes in an instant, let us wisen up and make use of the time in hand and live a life pleasing to God so that there be no regrets when we take our last breaths.

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Breathed against all odds

My Appa went to be with the LORD on March 22. The last 4 weeks had been quite a journey with him. It had been a year since Amma went to be with the LORD on Feb 2. Appa had gone to her grave for prayer and broke down and cried. A year without her had changed him a lot. On that morning, as usual, I woke up early to pray for Appa and then slept in the same spot. Right before the alarm went off at 7, I saw a dream and it disturbed me. I saw my amma and Appa in our home with no furnitures. Appa was coming down the stairs with a backpack and Amma asked him how his hand was. He did not reply but he skated across the room. Worried, I held his hand and said, “Appa, you need to sit down” and I saw a wheel chair. That was the dream. I kind of sensed that something was going to happen to him.

The next day he got admitted in the hospital as he felt dizzy while sitting on the bed, slid and fell on the bed. In a couple days, the doctor said that Appa had a fracture in the hip and doing a surgery would relieve him from the pain. I gave the consent for the surgery right away as I wanted to spare Appa from any pain. The surgery got scheduled for Feb 11 which is my birthday. I talked to Appa that morning, told him that it was my birthday and he blessed me. That was the last conversation I had with Appa.

After the surgery, Appa responded fine for couple hours. Then he coughed and aspirated. A clot had moved to a bad spot in the brain which caused him eventually to lose his response. I planned my travel to India. In my waiting, I had only one prayer, “Lord, please spare me from any regret. Appa should respond to me when I call him”.

By the time I reached the hospital on Feb 20, he was already in the ventilator and not responding. I felt shocked and disappointed because I had prayed only one prayer and it was not answered. The first day went by with absolutely zero response. On the second day, his eye was open for a couple minutes but he did not recognize me. As I called him with desperation which turned into cries, miraculously his hand which was paralyzed with no movement – lifted up. It was a significant rise. On the third day, I headed to the hospital, with the plan to tell the doctor to remove the ventilator. God had different plans for His ways are not for us to understand. That morning, Appa responded big time. For around 45 minutes, he had his eyes open, eye balls moving to the sound. He recognized me, had tears in his eyes. Every time I called him, he looked at me. Standing there, I felt overflowing with joy and gratitude towards God – not because He gave me any hope of his recovery, but just because God answered my prayer – not when I expected, but in His time.

Following day was back to no response. Now I had to decide about the ventilator as we were way past the allotted time. But I felt lack of peace as if there is something still undone. All my good friends had told me to pray loudly for him to hear, read the Word loudly and to talk. I wasn’t doing any of that because I was very hesitant to do all this in front of people.

Thanks be to God who comes through with answers. That early morning, sentences came into my ear to tell Appa that I love him, I forgive him and I don’t have any anger at all and to ask him for forgiveness and many such sentences. I instantly understood that it is the Lord speaking to me. That day I had determined in my heart to speak all of this in Appa’s ear, read the Word and to kneel down there and pray. It wasn’t easy especially to kneel down in front of all the people. But, nothing was bigger to me than what God put in my heart. As I knelt down, I said, “Lord, I kneel down and go low here so that Your name be lifted up in this place”. After I did all this, I felt like the missing piece was done and I felt so much peace.

In the next couple days, we decided to remove him off ventilator. It seemed that he won’t survive once ventilator is removed. But, against all odds, he started breathing. Not for one day or two, but he continued to breath for 23 days. Except, there was no response from him. I had been reading the Word everyday in his ear, talked in his ear about how much I loved him which I didn’t realize till then, asked him to forgive me and I talked so many things as the Lord put in my heart.

The next weeks were very difficult for me. He was breathing and all organs were functioning against all odds, but without response, none of it mattered enough. But God’s timing is perfect which our little brain doesn’t comprehend. By breathing, Appa brought through some mighty breakthroughs in my life. I had never taken a stand for Appa in my life. But when he was in coma, I took a mighty stand for him when he was in coma that I will not leave him behind but will stay back and take care of him.

Even before this journey started, God had given me various verses. One was “the yoke will be removed from your shoulder“. Along with my prayer friends, I had only one prayer. “Lord, please take him to heaven in Your time and please do not let him to suffer”. There were days like Elijah sending his servant to look for a rain cloud and got nothing.

On March 22, Appa had a cardiac arrest and he left peacefully, as witnessed by the ICU staff. God answered my every single prayer. All I wanted for Appa was to go to heaven and not suffer here. I had asked God for an evidence that he made it to heaven. God granted that evidence as a peace-filled face on the entire day of the funeral. God truly had been the author and finisher of Appa’s faith.

Appa was saved merely by grace. The Lord who showed mercy on the prodigal son, the tax collector and the theif on the cross – showed mercy on Appa. Lot of times, it is us, the legalists, who write off people from receiving grace from the Saviour who died on the cross for them and us alike.

If the One who died on the cross is willing to show mercy to whom He wants to show mercy, who are we to stand in the way?

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Saved by Grace

Christian walk is a learning till our last breath. Learning who God is, His character, His ways etc. What I learn is that everyone at some point in their life is saved by Grace. At that point we realize that we cannot live a clean life without Christ’s help. Once saved, we feel overwhelmed with gratitude towards Jesus and we strive to live a life that pleases Him. We become very mindful about doing only what He wants and to give up our desires of doing things our way. And what I learn is that there is a thin line between doing everything to please God and becoming a legalist. Soon in the process of doing things to please God, we become legalists if we are not careful. We judge others and condemn others. We soon become self-righteous.

God has a way of fixing us. Someone whom we love, when we realize that they cannot make the cut of the righteous living and yet we desperately want them to be accepted and approved by God. What can we do? We can only live our life in a way that is pleasing to God. We can’t live the life of others for them. That is when we realize the basic of the Cross of Calvary- Saved by Grace and not by the works. When Grace is the only thing that can make someone to be approved by God, we hold on to the feet of Grace. Till then we feel content with our striving to please God, but now Grace holds lot more value. Aren’t we grateful to God for making it so easy for us?

If we are to be saved by works, then how much work is good enough to make the cut? Jesus gave Grace for free. Paid in Full on the Cross.

Romans 4:5-8 But to him who does not work but believes on Him who justifies the ungodly, his faith is accounted for righteousness, just as David also describes the blessedness of the man to whom God imputes righteousness apart from works:“Blessed are those whose lawless deeds are forgiven,And whose sins are covered;Blessed is the man to whom the LORD shall not impute sin.”

Thankfully Grace is for everyone who realizes that they cannot make it without Grace. The thief on the cross – received the privilege of being with Jesus in paradise purely by grace. The prodigal son – covered with the robe of righteousness. The tax collector – approved by heaven. In fact, the ones who cannot make the cut according the world’s eyes are the ones who are actually making the cut – by Grace. Thanking Jesus for His wonderful work on the cross! Amen!

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The Golden Scepter

On the third day, Queen Esther put on her royal robes and stood in the inner court of the king’s palace. When the king saw Queen Esther standing in the court, she found favor in his sight, and the king held out to Esther the golden scepter. Then Esther went near and touched the top of the scepter.

And the king said to her, “What do you wish, Queen Esther? What is your request? It shall be given to you— up to half the kingdom!” Queen Esther invites king and Haman for a banquet which she had prepared for Haman. At the banquet of wine the king said to Esther, “ What is your petition? It shall be given to you— up to half the kingdom!” Queen Esther invited them again for a banquet the next day. And on the second day, at the banquet of wine the king said to Esther, “ What is your petition? It shall be given to you— up to half the kingdom!”

Then Queen Esther answered and said, “if I have found favor in your sight, O King, and if it pleases the king, let my life be given at my petition, and my people at my request. For we have been sold, my people and I, to be destroyed, to be killed, and to be annihilated”.

So king asked,”Who is he, and where is he, who would dare presume in his heart to do such a thing?” And Esther said, “The adversary and enemy is this wicked Haman!”

The king ordered for Haman to be hanged on the same gallows that he had prepared for Mordecai, Queen Esther’s uncle.

I love the story of Esther. In a story where God is not mentioned, He was still present in the picture. At times, when we fret wondering where God is, this story is a reminder for us that God is always a very present help for His children. Even when wicked people forget that God sees, God reminds them with a mighty and outstretched arm that He sees and He knows how to rescue His children. I imagine Esther to be a woman clothed in grace and favor. I am amazed by her wisdom and patience to wait for the right moment to place her petition. Just like Moses, even when the kingdom was offered to her, she did not put herself first and choose her own selfish protection and provision, instead she kept the priority of the protection of God’s children.

I often picture myself as standing in front of God Almighty With my petitions. May the good Lord always show us mercy by stretching out the scepter to us. May we not request for perishing blessings of this world but instead put His will and glory first.

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